In The Pain Cave Hallucinating on GoGurts – A Visual Tale of the 2016 R2T.
By Mark Pecotich and Patrick Cavender

The first part of the ride starts with coffee in complete darkness as you shuttle to a rather cold and nipply start across Tahoe Meadows. At this point your mind is thinking, “Boy this is awesome! And we need to go faster but conserve energy and light or we might not make it.” Then you roll at hauling-the-mail speed on the Flume, make it to Spooner in record time, and then get to The Bench where your mind says, “We need to go way the f**k over to there?!”

Then your mind arrives at the Kingsbury aid station. It thinks, “This is kinda tiring and is that Kermit?” And the aid station volunteers and people around you reassure you that all is well, except for that grumpy guy called Sarge over your right shoulder who always reminds you that nothing is well. Kinda like a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other effect. You on-board some Ramen and your first GoGurt with a Pickle Juice chaser – a salty/sweet/sour combo because your mind thinks that’s some type of magical anti-cramp concoction. Observe that our story’s hero had peed his pants at this point and didn’t even notice.

Then your mind says, “Let’s take some cool scenic pictures with your buddies.” Then moments later it says, “a@*u&!Zt” as you climb the staircase of kitty litter up to Monument Pass. This is the point at which a tad bit of desperation sets in and you start ingesting more GoGurts which leads to seeing rabid badgers along the next section of the trail, but only if you are wearing stripped socks as if you’re a Wizard of Oz character.

Then you arrive at Star Lake and your mind says, “Someone had Go-Gurts, and someone did not…” as the crew resolves itself to one clapped-out frown (normal), one jubilant smile (also normal) and a potential napper (Markolepsy which happens regularly). Each of your minds play tricks on one another by encouraging each other that “We’re almost there!” but in reality you still have two more summits to go. At which point you realize something you should have known at the beginning of the ride: that everyone else’s mind is also full of crap and crazed to attempt such a thing.

Then your mind says, “Oh thank God, it’s the finish” as you cross the threshold to a waiting crowd of crushed souls with dirty faces in crusty shirts of white sweat stains. Here you’ll notice that one rider is nearly falling over as he attempts to raise his arm in triumph, one has a petrified jubilant smile after bouncing down Toads on a hardtail resulting in her face being permanently stuck that way for two straight days thereafter, and one has a half smile that says “what the hell was I thinking doing this ride again?!” Then you drink a bunch of margaritas and beers and plan next year’s ride because the thought of GoGurts is way too enticing.

The End.